I’d always dreamed of my birth mom coming into my dreams at night. I pictured our first conversation, our first hug, our first laugh, our first tears. I asked her questions about herself, my biological dad, her happiness. I pictured her staring into my soul healing the tumorous darkness embedded deep within.
However, she never came into my dreams and as a teen, I wiped the emotions and hopefulness right under the rug. I was never able to speak about my adoption, not because no one would listen, but because I couldn’t communicate it. I think it was so painful to dive into abandonment that I lost faith in forming my emotions into words.
I remember days in high school when a shell of myself would show up, unprepared to mask how I was feeling surrounding my adoption. These were days I’d walk up the stairs, take a deep breath, and muster all of the energy I had to get through the 9 to 2:30 day. I went through the motions the best I could but was a walking skeleton trying to gain back my strength. I think the most difficult part of this situation was, even if I wanted to talk to someone about this, I didn’t even know how to communicate it. It’s like when you’re in a nightmare and you’re trying to yell but nothing comes out.
As an adoptee, there will be days where you feel like your abandonment is confiscating your soul. There will be days where words are difficult and figuring out the famous question we ask ourselves “why me?” surfaces more times than you’d like. There will be days when you do express yourself to family or friends but you leave feeling misunderstood and even more lost in your own ways. BUT, don’t lose faith. Ahhh this guy, “don’t lose faith”, “if only he knows how bad it really was,” “for the rest of my life, I’ll have this doom lingering over my head” If these are your thoughts, THAT’S OKAY, but faith isn’t about only having glorious moments of triumph, light, resurgence, power to withstand anything… Faith is when the hard times hit but you have the courage to keep moving forward. Faith is about digging deep within your pain and recognizing there is healing to be done. Faith is a continuum regardless of circumstance.